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11/22/02


 

WHACKING PICKLES

By David Podvin

If George W. Bush were to strangle his lovely wife Laura – God forbid - how would the incident be reported by the mainstream media? This would be the same mainstream media that is now earning record profits as a result of the Bush decision to deregulate the industry and transfer broadcasting licenses from public to private ownership free of charge. What would the highly trained professionals of America’s major electronic and print outlets tell the people of this country if such an unfortunate event were to occur?

It might go something like this:

New York Times: During a time of war, excruciating decisions must be made. This selfless act by our commander-in-chief will cause terrorists to think twice before attacking a country that apparently is being run by a deranged homicidal maniac. Americans should feel safer already. Therefore, only the most partisan malcontents amongst us will refuse to say, “Thank you, Mr. President, for sacrificing so much to protect our blessed land.”

Washington Post: The knee jerk reaction on the part of Mr. Bush’s more ideological foes will be to call for an investigation. After supporting eight years of investigations over Whitewater, Filegate, Travelgate, etc., we at the Post are humble enough to admit the error of our ways. We have belatedly come to realize that investigations are evil, as is investigative reporting. Pessimists obsess about war, recession, corruption, and a rotting corpse in the Rose Garden - they see America’s glass as being half empty. Our staff notices that government contracts have once again pushed the stock of WPO (Washington Post Company / New York Stock Exchange) to new all time highs, and we see America’s glass as being half full. Look at it this way - Ann Coulter is going to be a real bitchin’ First Lady.

Washington Times: It would be political suicide for Democrats to even mention this incident, much less try to use it against the president. Certainly, the antiquated procedure of impeachment is not an option. Yet Mr. Bush had better come to terms with the fact that he is going to have to answer some tough questions. For example, is Hillary Clinton a lesbian? And what about Nancy Pelosi – we understand that she is from San Francisco. Would she be one of those “lipstick lesbians” we keep hearing about? Well, Mr. President? It’s time for some answers.

Wall Street Journal: Although this paper is generally supportive of President Bush, we now feel morally compelled to condemn him in the harshest possible terms. His actions are indefensible and he should feel a deep sense of shame. There is absolutely no excuse for such irrational behavior. Apparently, when the president met with the editorial Board of the Journal last week, he was not paying attention. To reiterate, at no time did we say, “Laura Bush”. We specifically said, “Ruth Bader Ginsburg”.

Chicago Tribune: Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this extremely unfortunate but isolated incident was the overreaction of West Virginia Democratic Senator Robert Byrd, who continued his obnoxious habit of heckling the president during a time of war. Byrd’s demagogic condemnation of the slaying is at once tiresome and loathsome, confirming that Saddam Hussein does not stand alone in his crazed hatred of America.

Los Angeles Times: We do not approve of murder, nor do most Americans. However, we most emphatically do approve of that rare Washington official who is willing to assume the risk that goes with defying public opinion in order to remain true to his principles. It is unfortunate but undeniable that, at one time or another, every husband has fantasized about choking his wife. Is Mr. Bush to be faulted for being a swashbuckling man of action instead of just another underachieving Walter Mitty-type? We think not. After eight years of cynical poll-driven Clintonism, it is refreshing to finally have a president who is sufficiently well grounded that he follows his natural instincts.

Newsweek: His large silver belt buckle glistening in the bright autumn sunlight, President Bush on Sunday laid to rest any doubts about the profound depth of his personal commitment to family values. “Fineman”, the great man impishly called out to this reporter, whose close relationship with the Crawford Caesar transcends the need for the nicknames that are given to lesser journalists, “I’m gonna miss this here little lady.”  The president showed impressive strength of character by unashamedly allowing a single tear to form in his twinkling eyes of blue, then letting the droplet roll down his well tanned and freshly scented cheek before it softly fell onto the stiffening remains of the woman he so loved. It is hard to imagine the previous occupant of the White House ever exhibiting such devotion, seeing as how he would be off doing something horrible, like cheating on his own wife! Fear not, America; our prince has truly arrived.

Time: His large silver belt buckle glistening in the bright autumn sunlight, President Bush on Sunday laid to rest any doubts about the profound depth of his personal commitment to family values. “Tumulty”, the great man impishly called out to this reporter, whose close relationship with the Crawford Caesar transcends the need for the nicknames that are given to lesser journalists, “I’m gonna miss this here little lady.”  The president showed impressive strength of character by unashamedly allowing a single tear to form in his twinkling eyes of blue, then letting the droplet roll down his well tanned and freshly scented cheek before it softly fell onto the stiffening remains of the woman he so loved. It is hard to imagine the previous occupant of the White House ever exhibiting such devotion, seeing as how he would be off doing something horrible, like cheating on his own wife! Fear not, America; our prince has truly arrived.

CBS News: “As managing editor and anchorman of the CBS Evening News, I feel compelled to say this: George W. Bush is my military commander. If he says, ‘Rather, I want you to strangle your wife, too’, then I will salute and say, ‘Yes sir, Mr. President.’ It’s been forty years of wedded bliss, Jean, but when Bush gives the word, you had better start running like an Amarillo armadillo after a Tabasco high colonic.”

NBC News: “Correspondent Andrea Mitchell has learned through reliable White House sources that it was, in fact, former President Bill Clinton who committed this atrocity while wearing a Bush Halloween mask. Tim, this would seem to be an opportune time for you to interject a gratuitous cheap shot at Al Gore so that GE will allow us to keep our high paying, phony baloney jobs.”

ABC News: “Let’s bring in political analyst George Will, who has a well-researched historical perspective on this situation. George, as you were telling me off camera, presidential horseplay of this kind is really nothing new. I believe you mentioned that James Madison used to routinely impale Dolly in an Iron Maiden. And, of course, we are all familiar with that rather gruesome story about how Abraham Lincoln once replaced the sardines in Mary’s sandwich with live piranha. So, Mr. Will, what are we to make of the liberal hysteria over one little crushed larynx?”

Fox News: “The indisputable fact is that, prior to the so-called ‘Wellstone memorial service’, this type of thing just didn’t happen at the White House. More to the point, when liberals obscenely turned what should have been a somber ceremony into a Nazi-style pep rally just days before the election, they were forever stripped of all moral authority to criticize anyone. It is important for people who love this country to keep matters in perspective: The president might have asphyxiated his wife, but she was going to die anyway…someday.

CNN: “Over at the White House, absolutely nothing has occurred that should cause viewers to worry their empty little heads - this according to our de facto Washington bureau chief, the Honorable Tom DeLay. In other news, backstabbing extremist left-liberal psychopath James Jeffords…”

Podvin on the Media

Podvin, the Series

 


Last changed: December 13, 2009