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5/15/01


 

JUST IN CASE THEY DIDN’T HEAR ME
SCREAMING BACK AT THEM THROUGH
THE TV…

By David Podvin

David Broder:

   “Monicagate is worse than Watergate.”

   Move over, Rain Man. Move over, Forrest Gump.

Charles Osgood:

   “Nothing that President Bush does seems to be good enough for the environmentalists.”

   This is true. Bush goes out of his way to break his promise on carbon emissions, and to allow salmonella poisoning in school food, and to lie about global warming, and to support offshore oil drilling, and to actively discourage energy conservation, and to open the national parks to plunder by his campaign contributors, and to insist on destroying the Arctic Wildlife Preserve, and to gut the Endangered Species Act, and to allow unsafe levels of arsenic in the drinking water…

   Yet, even after he takes the time and makes the effort to do all of these wonderful things for them, those ungrateful environmentalist malcontents continue to nitpick.

Juan Williams:

   “All of these reports out of Florida about voter fraud and people being kept away from the polls – there is no proof. It’s a lot of hearsay.”

   The American correspondents for the BBC actually traveled to Florida. They interviewed voters who had grievances. They attended the hearings about Election Day irregularities. Their research documented massive Republican vote fraud, with a special emphasis on depriving African Americans of their voting rights.

   Of course, the BBC reporters had an unfair advantage over you. They are not Rupert Murdoch’s token Afro Saxon whose assigned task is to condemn the African American community at every opportunity.

   We are ultimately left to decide whether it is more plausible that tens of thousands of black Floridians suffered simultaneous psychotic episodes on Election Day, or whether it is more plausible that you are willing to slander your own people for personal profit.

Andy Rooney (about Hillary Clinton at the last State of the Union Address):

   “She’s looking at him (Bush) and she’s thinking, “I wish he were my husband.”

   That is exactly what Hillary must have been thinking. She married an extraordinarily articulate Rhodes scholar because she was yearning for the George W. Bush type. Hillary was doubtlessly also thinking that she and Bush could have enjoyed having three daughters together, one of whom would not be a falling down drunk.

George Will:

   “Bill Clinton is the worst human being ever to occupy the White House.”

    You are implying that Richard Nixon was not human. A PBS documentary about George Wallace revealed that, immediately after the Alabama Governor was shot, Nixon convened an urgent White House meeting to plan how his operatives could plant evidence in the home of assassin Arthur Bremer. The goal was to falsely implicate Democratic front-runner George McGovern in the crime. This was part of what Judge John Sirica ruled was a “well documented felony conspiracy to misuse the FBI, the CIA, the Justice Department, the Attorney General’s Office, and the Internal Revenue Service” in order to destroy anyone whom Nixon viewed as a political threat. 

   His phony “secret plan” to end the Vietnam War led to the unnecessary deaths of more than forty thousand Americans and over one million Vietnamese. He was an adulterer, a wife beater, and a vicious bigot who is heard on the Watergate tapes profanely disparaging every conceivable group except Quakers born in Whittier. Amazingly, this is just the tip of the iceberg (He was a founding father of McCarthyism, he spread rumors that Hubert Humphrey was gay, he forged documents in an attempt to break up Scoop Jackson’s marriage, he ordered the West Coast Director of the IRS to “audit all the Jews”, and so much more. The Watergate tapes reveal that Nixon was the Will Rogers of malice; he never met an evil act that he didn’t like).

   Unless Nixon was a space alien, no president since James Buchanan can even compete for the coveted title of Worst Human President. And since your slander of Clinton is largely based on Juanita Broaddrick’s unsubstantiated charge that he raped her, it becomes relevant that Selene Walters accused Ronald Reagan of raping her in the 1950s. That charge was never proven, either. However, given that you choose to believe Ms. Broaddrick’s allegation, then Ms. Walters deserves similar courtesy in her charges against your hero.

   Clinton willingly suffered greatly for representing the interests of the common people, something that no Republican since Theodore Roosevelt has been willing to do. And Clinton is one of the presidents who never owned slaves. As a point of intellectual curiosity, when you were doing your careful study of presidential virtue, did you count that factor as a plus or a minus?   

   If you take into account the overriding moral imperative of refusing to deliberately harm the very people who voted for you in order to reward your campaign contributors, then Bill Clinton is not even the worst human being to be president in the last five months.

   Of course, George, you might one day occupy the Oval Office, in which case there will be no further dispute about which president was the worst human being.

Andrea Mitchell:

   “The vandalizing of the White House, together with the trashing of Air Force One, has left a bitter parting legacy for ex-President Clinton.”

   That’s because he’s the worst human being ever.

   And you’re the worst reporter ever.

   There was no vandalism. There was no trashing. As soon as President Clinton’s spokesperson challenged the Bush liars (your sources) to produce evidence, the story magically evaporated.

   You never retracted. You never apologized. You are unprofessional. You are unethical.

   In fact, you are so woefully inept that you should be the Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board.

George Stephanopoulis:

   “Vice President Gore’s acceptance speech was far too liberal and too oriented toward class warfare. It’s not going to help him close the gap on Governor Bush.”

   Nice call. The next Gallup Poll revealed that Gore had received the biggest post-convention bounce in American political history. However, if misery loves company, then you should be euphoric. Every other pundit on network TV agreed with you. You’ve already learned the first rule of survival in your new career - no talking head ever lost his job for mindlessly parroting the party line.

Lawrence O’Donnell:

   Except for Joe Lieberman, every speaker at the Democratic Convention was a liar.”

   You’ve come a long way from your days as a Senate Democratic staffer. You are now a member in good standing of the ever-growing legion of erstwhile Democrats appearing on TV in order to belittle and betray the people who made your careers possible. If you, Chris Matthews, Robert Reich, Patrick Caddell, George Stephanopoulis, and Tim Russert ever need an agent, then the one with the ideal work experience to represent all of you would be listed in the phone book under Iscariot.

Paul Gigot (about the Republicans shutting down the Miami-Dade recount):

   “They charged into the building shouting, ‘Shut it down. Shut it down.’ And they did! It was exhilarating – kind of like a Bourgeois riot!”

   Bourgeois riot – a violent public disorder by people who are  
                              racially correct, as opposed to the bad kind of   
                              riot by those who are not eligible to join the 
                              Klan.

   Fascism – a political philosophy that stands for the suppression of 
                   Opposition by the use of force.                    

    You had better do your gloating about the theft of voting rights from minorities now, Paul, because you’re just annoying enough to inspire this headline later:

BULLETIN FROM THE AFTERLIFE:
GANDHI, DR. KING PUMMEL GIGOT
 

More David Podvin

Podvin, the Series

 


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