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I’M GLAD THAT
By David Podvin
This morning, during his nationally syndicated radio
commentary, Rush Limbaugh gravely warned his audience that a diabolical force
has taken control of the Democratic Party. He explained that newly elected
Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe is a ruthless Bill
Clinton operative who is a devious master at aggressively raising huge sums of
money with the demented intention of defeating Republicans. He described
McAuliffe as being a heartless fiend who will sadistically obliterate anyone or
anything that gets in the way of electing Democrats.
After months of
wallowing in the gloomy aftermath of the stolen presidential election and the
subsequent capitulation to George W. Bush by Congressional Democrats, I suddenly
feel as clean and fresh as a Summer’s Eve.
Though it was
broadcast by the most unreliable source of information since the little boy who
cried wolf, Limbaugh’s announcement that the Democrats have finally found a
champion is the latest in a recent spate of encouraging news. Democrats must
always be careful to brace themselves for a letdown, because it seems that
disappointment is usually close at hand. However, there can now be some cautious
optimism that the next forty-three months will not be a continuous reprise of
the initial twenty-week crawl through Hell.
When the bad guys
are worried, there’s reason for hope.
Breaux, the leader of the Fulgencio Batista wing of the Democratic Party, is
very upset that so many Senate Democrats might run for president. His concern is
that candidates for the presidential nomination will have to vote in a way that
will actually appeal to the rank and file, making it much more difficult for him
to convince his colleagues to rubber stamp the right wing agenda. When John
Breaux is unhappy, then God is smiling, and things are looking up for those of
us who believe that the federal government should exist in order to benefit the
environmental front, the head of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce said that he is
worried about the upcoming clash between supporters of the Enron/Bush energy
plan and supporters of the concept that it is not desirable for America’s
children to glow in the dark. He is worried because suburban members of Congress
from both parties have already received tremendously unfavorable input on the
plan from their constituents. The early returns indicate that Bush will have
trouble passing his petro-welfare bill through Congress unless Scalia and Thomas
are again allowed to decide which votes get counted.
William Bennett is
distraught because Bush has abandoned the right wing school voucher plan due to
a lack of support. He is also outraged that Senate Democrats are showing signs
of life when it comes to opposing Bush judicial nominees who have pleasant
memories of invading the Sudetenland. The inviolate rule of thumb is that the
less happiness there is for William Bennett, the more happiness there is for
people who reject the idea that what’s good for Phillip Morris is good for
Jerry Falwell is
“appalled” that the left is taking the low road and is delving into the
personal lives of the Bush family. Falwell congratulates conservatives for
having the common decency to “never wade into the gutter” in pursuit of the
private personal failings of their political opponents. He bitterly condemns
liberals for their “prurient interest” in the adulterous (Jeb), the
alcoholic (Jenna and Barbara), the criminal (George H., Neil, Marvin, Columba,
George P., et. al) and all of the above (George W.). He condemns “evil”
Larry Flynt for being so depraved as to seek to find dirt on someone just
because they disagree politically. With swimming eyes, he bemoans the
“trashing of an American treasure”, the Bush family.
Falwell will not
be pleased when he learns about my upcoming expose of the current occupant of
the Oval Office. Lacking the supernaturally inspired moral boundaries of the
right wing, I intend to reveal that George W. Bush spied on America for the KGB,
ran drugs through Mina, Arkansas, murdered Vince Foster, impregnated a black
prostitute, and raped every woman south of the Mason-Dixon line.
How could anyone
be cruel and irresponsible enough to spread all of these lies?
Falwell can tell
Thus far during
the Bush regime, things have gone poorly for American dissidents who advocate
medical care for children, clean water, coherent economics, and representative
government. There is still the likelihood that the Democrats will lack the
resolve to stand up to Bush on Supreme Court nominations, attempts to roll back
civil rights, and other issues of great importance.
However, in this life, you take what you can get. And, if only for a brief shining moment, it is nourishing to the soul to see some political gloom begin to waft over to the Dark Side.
More David Podvin
Podvin, the Series