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5/17/01


 

I’M GLAD THAT THEY’RE SAD

By David Podvin

This morning, during his nationally syndicated radio commentary, Rush Limbaugh gravely warned his audience that a diabolical force has taken control of the Democratic Party. He explained that newly elected Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe is a ruthless Bill Clinton operative who is a devious master at aggressively raising huge sums of money with the demented intention of defeating Republicans. He described McAuliffe as being a heartless fiend who will sadistically obliterate anyone or anything that gets in the way of electing Democrats.

After months of wallowing in the gloomy aftermath of the stolen presidential election and the subsequent capitulation to George W. Bush by Congressional Democrats, I suddenly feel as clean and fresh as a Summer’s Eve.

Though it was broadcast by the most unreliable source of information since the little boy who cried wolf, Limbaugh’s announcement that the Democrats have finally found a champion is the latest in a recent spate of encouraging news. Democrats must always be careful to brace themselves for a letdown, because it seems that disappointment is usually close at hand. However, there can now be some cautious optimism that the next forty-three months will not be a continuous reprise of the initial twenty-week crawl through Hell.

When the bad guys are worried, there’s reason for hope.

Senator John Breaux, the leader of the Fulgencio Batista wing of the Democratic Party, is very upset that so many Senate Democrats might run for president. His concern is that candidates for the presidential nomination will have to vote in a way that will actually appeal to the rank and file, making it much more difficult for him to convince his colleagues to rubber stamp the right wing agenda. When John Breaux is unhappy, then God is smiling, and things are looking up for those of us who believe that the federal government should exist in order to benefit the average citizen.

On the environmental front, the head of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce said that he is worried about the upcoming clash between supporters of the Enron/Bush energy plan and supporters of the concept that it is not desirable for America’s children to glow in the dark. He is worried because suburban members of Congress from both parties have already received tremendously unfavorable input on the plan from their constituents. The early returns indicate that Bush will have trouble passing his petro-welfare bill through Congress unless Scalia and Thomas are again allowed to decide which votes get counted.

William Bennett is distraught because Bush has abandoned the right wing school voucher plan due to a lack of support. He is also outraged that Senate Democrats are showing signs of life when it comes to opposing Bush judicial nominees who have pleasant memories of invading the Sudetenland. The inviolate rule of thumb is that the less happiness there is for William Bennett, the more happiness there is for people who reject the idea that what’s good for Phillip Morris is good for America.

Jerry Falwell is “appalled” that the left is taking the low road and is delving into the personal lives of the Bush family. Falwell congratulates conservatives for having the common decency to “never wade into the gutter” in pursuit of the private personal failings of their political opponents. He bitterly condemns liberals for their “prurient interest” in the adulterous (Jeb), the alcoholic (Jenna and Barbara), the criminal (George H., Neil, Marvin, Columba, George P., et. al) and all of the above (George W.). He condemns “evil” Larry Flynt for being so depraved as to seek to find dirt on someone just because they disagree politically. With swimming eyes, he bemoans the “trashing of an American treasure”, the Bush family.

Falwell will not be pleased when he learns about my upcoming expose of the current occupant of the Oval Office. Lacking the supernaturally inspired moral boundaries of the right wing, I intend to reveal that George W. Bush spied on America for the KGB, ran drugs through Mina, Arkansas, murdered Vince Foster, impregnated a black prostitute, and raped every woman south of the Mason-Dixon line.

How could anyone be cruel and irresponsible enough to spread all of these lies?

Falwell can tell you.

Thus far during the Bush regime, things have gone poorly for American dissidents who advocate medical care for children, clean water, coherent economics, and representative government. There is still the likelihood that the Democrats will lack the resolve to stand up to Bush on Supreme Court nominations, attempts to roll back civil rights, and other issues of great importance.

However, in this life, you take what you can get. And, if only for a brief shining moment, it is nourishing to the soul to see some political gloom begin to waft over to the Dark Side.

More David Podvin

Podvin, the Series

 


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