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4/24/03


 

FEEBLE SQUISHIES 101

By David Podvin

While the corporate media has absolutely no interest in presenting the liberal perspective, it does like to provide the illusion of doing so. This deception requires the presence of “feeble squishies”, people who claim to be advocates of the liberal cause but whose actual function is to make painfully lame arguments immediately prior to being squashed by their semiliterate right wing tormentors. Protocol dictates that the squishies then sheepishly acknowledge they have once again been overwhelmed by the immutably powerful logic of the conservative philosophy.

In this Bush economy, good jobs can be hard to come by, so – as a public service – here are some insights on how to enter the exciting and lucrative world of betraying your ostensible political beliefs while humiliating yourself in public for fun and cash. Throughout the course of this tutorial, I will provide useful phrases that will allow you to establish linkage with your inner Quisling. These are words with a proven track record of enabling cash hungry psuedo-liberals to ingratiate themselves to inbred rednecks across America.

You will learn to use inspiring and eloquent verbiage, such as:

“I must reluctantly agree with you, Tim. Back when I was conducting polls for Jimmy Carter, we discovered that 98% of Democrat voters are drooling retards, or – to be politically correct – dumbasses.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.”

In pursuing your new career as a left-ish television piñata, it will be extremely helpful if your résumé reveals that President Clinton personally lifted you out of obscurity. This provides the ideal position from which to relentlessly stab him in the back, thereby earning big points with Big Business, which is – after all – underwriting your hefty, ill-gotten salary.

“Touché, Sean! As a former Clinton press secretary, it pains me to conclude that if Slick Willie had spent less time diddling interns, there would now be no budget deficit. Or corporate crime. Or smog.”

You must faithfully practice key phrases that are guaranteed to elicit knowing chuckles from fellow panelists who represent the establishment (are there any other kind?). Keep this vital rule in mind at all times – self-deprecation, yes. Bush-deprecation, NO!

“Brit, I admit to voting for Gore – may I rot in Hell – but now I thank God every day that we have a president who is fighting terrorism instead of a crazed congenital liar who claims to have invented photosynthesis or some crap like that.”

Whenever Bush incriminates himself while doing something profoundly evil - which occurs daily - you must turn to the camera and somberly recite this preamble: Regardless of our political differences, I readily admit that President Bush is a man of integrity who deeply loves this country. He is faithful, honest, brave, faithful, patriotic, faithful, smart, and faithful. Did I neglect to mention that he is faithful?

“You know, Bill, being privileged to appear here on the No Spin Zone reminds me of the distant past when my Democrat Party was not a filthy cauldron of mongrelized scumbag traitors!”

In your role as a patsy, if you ever feel overcome by the irrational urge to criticize a Republican, make sure that Republican is Abraham Lincoln.

“You’re spot on, Tucker. I am the most liberal person I know, but I am also appalled that the so-called Democrats apparently think that the so-called ‘Advise and Consent’ function of the Senate entitles them to reject the president’s judicial nominees! These socialist madmen are acting like drunk drivers on a Chappaquiddick bridge!”

Pay close attention to this next one - it is the deal breaker: Nothing untoward happened after the 2000 election. Got it? Everything went according to Hoyle, exactly as it should have, just as envisioned by the Founding Fathers. Do not ever forget this. If you should slip - even once - then the next time your ugly face will appear on American television will be when you win the Oscar for best documentary.

“Swell counterpoint, Chris – Ruth Bader Ginsburg does behave exactly like Hitler. What was I thinking? In retrospect, I feel as foolish as when my side insanely tried to steal Florida! Chads? Shmads!”

Once you tirelessly practice these time-honored techniques and achieve prostrate perfection, you will evolve from being a mere panelist into the host of the program (after you artfully maneuver Sam and Cokie into oblivion). At this stage, you will need something more than mere garden-variety bullshit – you will require the industrial strength stuff.

“Bill Kristol, it looks as though the knobby-kneed crowd is squeamish about your innovative proposal to have the U.S. military incinerate everything that is even remotely Arabic, including the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas and the comedian named Sinbad. Are these annoying dissidents unpatriotic? Or, giving them the benefit of the doubt, might they just be pathetic cowards?”

“Claire, elaborate on the seemingly plausible rumors that Nancy Pelosi’s affinity for barnyard animals is more than just platonic.”

“Good point, Mr. Will. Elections during a war? Why, Jefferson and Madison would be appalled!”

In the final analysis, whatever it takes to keep you on the air is precisely what you need to do. Don’t worry about the necessity of cashiering your principles – principles are for chumps.  And never be self-conscious; while you are schlepping through life as a foil for people who admire Bull Connor, just remember that no one has ever paid the rent using “dignity”.

Finally, keep your chin up. Do not get discouraged. As Patrick Caddell and Lawrence O’Donnell can tell you, the first twenty years of bending over for the right wing are always the hardest.

More David Podvin

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