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9/29/03


 

MakeThemAccountable

In Proud Association With The Red States of America,

Where War And Recession Merit Widespread Approval

 

PRESENTS

THE PHLEGMYS!


UNLIKE THE “EMMYS”, WHICH EXIST TO PROMOTE THE RADICAL

HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA OF THE LATE MISTER ROGERS,

THE “PHLEGMYS” GRATEFULLY ACKNOWLEDGE

CONSERVATIVE CONTRIBUTIONS IN THE FIELD

OF TELEVISION BROADCASTING.

 

THE

WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY, JR.

“I AM NOW DEEPLY ENSCONCED IN THOUGHT CONTEMPLATING WHY

MASTURBATION IS NOT CONSIDERED TO BE A FORM OF INCEST”

PSEUDO PROFUNDITY IN PUNDITRY PRIZE

 

And the winner is…

 

GEORGE F. WILL!

“Three Strikes, No Balls!”

 

Only in America is someone considered to be an intellectual because he makes inapt analogies between politics and baseball. In the view of the obsequious Mr. Will, the Bush team of Cheney, Powell, Rumsfeld, and Rice is a real juggernaut, just like the 1927 New York Yankees’ awesome “Murderer’s Row”. Come to think of it, “Murderer’s Row” is also what the Bush team is called by orphans in Iraq.

 

THE

“NILES, BOTH AS MY BROTHER AND AS A CLINICAL PSYCHIATRIST,

YOU HAVE A SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY TO EUTHANIZE ME

AS QUICKLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

KELSEY GRAMMER!

“Some of you may or may not know this.

I’ve recently come out of the closet, actually, in Hollywood.

I’m a Republican, you see. It’s a dangerous thing to do in Hollywood.”

 

It is dangerous to be a Republican in Hollywood? What is the body count of Republicans in Hollywood, not counting those who drowned while wallowing in self-pity? “Dangerous” is being black in Texas, or being gay in Wyoming, or being a woman anywhere a guy sings through his nose. It is not dangerous to be a Republican in Hollywood, or for that matter at a cross burning, or at a meeting of the North American Man Boy Love Association. However, the next time a gang of sadistic show business liberals lynches Sylvester Stallone or Bruce Willis or James Woods or any other member of the conservative huddled mass in Tinseltown yearning to breathe free, please let us know – it will be a real morale booster.

 

THE

CHARLES (CHUCK) NORRIS

“IF I NEVER CHANGE EXPRESSION,

MAYBE THE COMMUNISTS WON’T BE ABLE TO READ MY THOUGHTS”

BEST ACTOR AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

RICK (LITTLE RICKY) SCHRODER!

“I Modeled My Acting Style After The Title Character In ‘Weekend At Bernie’s’”

 

Schroder, an avid member of the NRA, truly adores his nation’s maximum leader. “(Bush is) a fantastic guy, let me tell you that," said the boyishly untalented thespian. "I told him I wanted to help him get reelected." Toward that end, Schroder has pledged to help Bush get elected for the first time by offering a compelling quid pro quo to the American people: If Bush receives enough votes so that he doesn’t have to steal the presidency again, Ricky will agree to take acting lessons. “It is an almost irresistible tradeoff,” admitted a stricken James Carville. “If Schroder ever sweetens that deal by offering to retire from show business, the Democrats are sunk.”

 

THE

“BEST PRODUCER OF A DOCUDRAMA THAT PROVES FILMMAKERS

SHOULD NEVER SNORT CRACK COCAINE IMMEDIATELY

AFTER INGESTING MESCALINE”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

LIONEL CHETWYND!

“For The Movie ‘DC 9/11’, Which Is An Exact Factual Representation

Of The Al Qaida Terrorist Assault And The Man Who Saved America”

 

The film begins with our hero, George W. Bush, learning of the attacks on the World Trade Center. Exhibiting superhuman poise, Dubya calmly excuses himself, disappears into the nearest phone booth, and emerges as his alter ego, “Carlyleman!” Sporting sinewy muscles that ripple through his Gortex suit like the waves of the mighty Mississippi, the Great One immediately takes flight, heading to Pennsylvania where he single-handedly uses his otherworldly strength to guide the third hijacked plane into the Monongahela River. He then walks on water to save every single one of the passengers, pausing only briefly to calculate a mathematical formula in his head that will soon enable humanity to transcend the boundaries of time and space. That having been accomplished, the indefatigable Bush speeds to a bunker in Nebraska, not to cower like a sniveling little dweeb, but to courageously capture Osama bin Laden and pimp slap the snot out of him. The epic ends with all Americans genuflecting towards the Crawford Caesar as he graciously puts food on their families. Two thumbs up!

 

THE

“OUR JOURNALISTS VACATION AT THE WILLIAM J. LE PETOMANE

MEMORIAL GAMBLING CASINO FOR THE INSANE”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

FOX NEWS!

“Because If You Really Wanted The Truth,

You’d Be Watching The BBC!”

 

Brit Hume? Tony Snow? Neil Cavuto? Geraldo Rivera? This ensemble is reminiscent of the magnificent seventies disco group “Rick Dees And His Band Of Idiots”, only without Rick Dees. It is safe to say that this team is the greatest producer of journalistic sewage in the history of the whole, wide world, unless – of course – you count that prolific One-Woman-Waste-Processing-Unit-By-The-Potomac, Miss Ceci Connelly. You know that your news outfit has some credibility problems when the award for best reporter on the network always goes to someone who has been known to plagiarize stories from Krusty The Clown:

 


THE

FLORENCE HENDERSON

“HEY, IF YOU HAD SLEPT WITH GREG BRADY,

YOU WOULD BE A FREAKING RIGHT WING BASKET CASE, TOO!”

BEST ACTRESS AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

PATRICIA HEATON!

“Everybody Loves Raymond!

But Not Everybody Loves Women’s Reproductive Rights!”

 

Ms. Heaton is the leader of Feminists For Life, a position that distinguishes her from the millions of bloodthirsty feminists who crave genocide. “I think pro-choice is ridiculous,” she says. “I want to outlaw all abortion.” Like Grammer, she will never capitulate to the vicious leftist Hollywood cabal, even though it seeks to confiscate her immortal soul merely because she loves little bitty womb babies. “As a Christian, it will not be Barbra Streisand I'm standing in front of when I have to make an accounting of my life. She will not be in charge of, you know, whether I get my wings or not.” That’s the good news. The bad news, Patty, is that the one who will be in charge is Michael Moore.

 

THE

“BEST HOST OF A REALITY SHOW

WHERE CONTESTANTS PERFORM EVERYDAY TASKS LIKE

 EATING MOOSE TESTICLES AND SWIMMING IN HIPPO URINE”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

JOE ROGAN!

“Apparently, Truth Is Not A Factor For You!”

 

Rogan said, “Democrats are pussies for not supporting the War in Iraq.” Not quite, Mr. Comb Over. Democrats can be called gutless for not challenging the stolen election, and for not doing everything humanly possible to stop Bush from bankrupting the country, and for allowing the USA Patriot Act to become law, and for a thousand other things. However, those Democrats who opposed the war are heroes, even more heroic than the rapacious nuts on Fear Factor who willingly gargle with piranha for a lousy fifty grand. And the “pussy” reference is so pre-9/11 – in the wake of the attack on America, the commonly accepted vulgarity for being unmanly is “Republican”.

 

THE

JIMMY SWAGGERT

“MY LORD, I HAVE SINNED AGAINST YOU!

AND IT WAS UNBELIEVABLY PROFITABLE!”

SUPERIOR ETHICS IN TELEVISION EVANGELISM

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

BENNY HINN!

“If Jesus Ever Finds Out What I Am Doing

In His Name, I Am So Totally Screwed!”

 

In a tour de force performance, Reverend Hinn pronounced liberals to be demented agents of Satan whose hatred of God and country render them unfit for polite society. He went on to explain that leftists’ ostensible concern for their fellow man revealed them to be charlatans, for their actions betrayed their deceitful nature. The good reverend then used the awesome power of Christ to heal people of every affliction from hearing loss to terminal cancer. Hinn concluded the program by appealing for “love offerings” and announced that God Almighty had recently revealed a thrilling miracle to him: the Lord now accepts Master Card and Visa!

 

THE

DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER

“DON’T IT MAKE MY BLUE NOSE BROWN?”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

SEAN HANNITY!

“Adultery And Sexual Harassment Are Very Bad Things…

When They Are Done By Democrats!”

 

It is traditional for equine to be buried "head, heart, and hooves",  a custom that freed up a horse’s ass to co-host a cable show with Alan Colmes. The Virgin Sean has embraced the satirical candidacy of Arnold Schwarzenegger with all the enthusiasm of a statutory rapist shoving a woman’s face into a toilet. Hannity attained near-legendary status among Americans (who received insufficient oxygen at birth) by relentlessly bashing Bill Clinton for committing imaginary sex crimes. Now, he implores his drooling legions of moral defectives in California to support Schwarzenegger, whose personal carnal history rivals that of Caligula. In a just world, it would be legal to stick a wig on Hannity, surgically endow him with some conspicuous breast implants, and then lock him in a Hummer with Arnold.  

 

THE

“WHY DID JESSE OWENS HAVE TO RUIN THE 1936 OLYMPICS?”

EXCELLENCE IN SPORTS BROADCASTING

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

AL MICHAELS!

“When I said Katherine Harris Is A Heroine, I Was Actually On Heroin!”

 

ABC’s most obnoxious right wing banshee is closing in on Rush Limbaugh’s seemingly unattainable 3,287 consecutive broadcast streak of whimpering about Bill Clinton. What makes Michaels so special is that he is a SPORTS broadcaster, so the segueways tend to be a little strained. “Another unsportsmanlike conduct penalty against the Raiders,” said John Madden. “That’s fifteen yards.” “I can think of one unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that resulted in impeachment,” replied Michaels.  Fuck you, Al. In order to watch Monday Night Football while you are doing the play-by-play, patriotic Americans must choose between turning off the sound or deliberately puncturing their own eardrums. Now, you will be ruining NBA broadcasts, too.  We understand that Shaquille O’Neal was a passionate Gore supporter – after the next heartbreaking Laker loss, remember to walk up to Shaq, taunt him about his free throw shooting, and then repeat that great line of yours: “People who think Bush stole the election are drunk”. Look at it this way: no matter how violently he reacts, at least you are not susceptible to incurring brain damage.

 

THE

SENATOR DENNIS MILLER

“COMEDY IS NO LAUGHING MATTER”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

THE DREW CAREY SHOW!

“The One And Only Sitcom That Actually

Inspired Its ‘Live Studio Audience’ To Commit Suicide”

 

Carey has said that the Democratic Party is “racist”, and that “the first black president will definitely be a Republican”. This doubtlessly explains why the politically ambitious unfunnyman has deliberately made his show so excruciatingly bad – it is a cynical attempt to deceive the voting public into believing that he is one of the Wayans brothers.

 

THE

“MY FIRST NAME IS ACTUALLY ‘STEPPENWOLF’,

AND I WAS BORN TO BE WILD ABOUT BUSH!”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

WOLF BLITZER!

But Critics Of The President’s Foreign Policy Fail To Mention

That Americans Who Are Killed In Iraq Will Never Again Have To Pay Taxes!”

 

You may have seen the Fox summer program “Banzai!” where contestants performed asinine stunts as the crazy host encouraged viewers to place bets on the outcome. Wolf should definitely sue for creative infringement. During the last three years, Blitzer has provided his audience with the chance to wager nightly on exactly how he would absurdly explain away every single Bush oversight, faux pas, mistake, error, and atrocity. What will it be tonight, Wolf? Was Bush “misquoted”? “Misinterpreted”? Did the Democrats “misrepresent” what he said? Or did they misrepresent what he “meant to say”? Did he speak nonsense because he was “just working too hard”? Or did he screw up because, unlike his evil predecessor, “he has the courage to fail”? Remember the story that surfaced during the 2000 campaign about how Dubya wanted to marry a Jewish girl, but Poppy and Bar vetoed the idea because they were terrified Mel Gibson would blame the Bush family for killing Jesus? Well, whenever Blitzer appears on CNN to explain why each Bush disaster is wonderful for America, it is impossible not to wonder whether Smirk and his ex-girlfriend may have actually produced an evil, bearded little spawn.

 

THE

“DO YOU MEAN WE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE THIS COLOR?”

ETHNIC PRIDE IN BROADCASTING

CITATION

 

And the winners are…

 

GWEN IFILL, MICHELLE MARTIN, AND JUAN WILLIAMS!

“Advancing The Right Wing Agenda Under Cover Of Darkness”

 

Why should white racist media types risk personal censure by openly campaigning against the black community when they can hire black media types to do it for them? These three high profile African American television journalists get to live in big houses and drive nice cars in exchange for saying things like, “Black Floridians who claim to have been illegally prevented from voting are suffering from mass delusions” and “President Bush has come under assault from certain urban malcontents.” Yes, those “urban malcontents” certainly can be annoying, especially when they start whining about trifling items like policies that are designed to perpetually impoverish their communities. Special props go out to the selfless courage of Mr. Williams, who chooses to constantly badmouth the black community despite the fact that Rupert Murdoch pays him huge sums of money specifically to do so.

 

THE

“NOW THAT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH HAS EXPRESSED REGRET FOR ITS

ROLE IN THE HOLOCAUST, WHEN WILL THE HOLY SEE FINALLY

CONFRONT ITS MOST EGREGIOUS SIN AND REPENT FOR

ORDAINING ME INTO THE PRIESTHOOD?”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

JOHN MCLAUGHLIN!

“Issue Number One: On A Scale Of One To Ten, One Meaning Absolutely No

Possibility Whatsoever, And Ten Being Verifiable Metaphysical Certitude,

What Is The Likelihood That I Will One Day Be Legally Required

To Wear A Red Rubber Nose And Big Floppy Shoes?”

 

The ultimate segment of the McLaughlin Group would consist of panelists Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mohandas Gandhi, Buddha, and the spiritual leader of the Quaker Church applying a lifetime of practicing the principles of nonviolence in order to somehow resist being provoked...for twenty-eight minutes. Then, totally exasperated and unable to control themselves any longer, the pacifists would rise as one and - with the “GE Brings Good Things To Life” theme swelling to a soul stirring crescendo – the group would enthusiastically pummel the shit out of the host.

 

THE

CHARLES PONZI

“AND OUR IDIOT CRITICS LAUGHED

AT US WHEN WE URGED YOU TO BUY ENRON AT $80”

EXCELLENCE IN FINANCIAL BROADCASTING AND HUCKSTERISM

AWARD

 

And the winners are…

 

LAWRENCE KUDLOW AND JAMES CRAMER!

“What Bothers The Two Of Us Most About Marie Antoinette Is Her

Premise That The Poor Should Be Allowed To Eat Cake”

 

Kudlow advocates ending the oppressive tax burden that is devastating Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. Cramer encourages viewers to buy Broadcom, because it has absolutely no earnings. Kudlow proposes helping the middle class by providing corporations that commit felonies with tax rebates to offset their onerous legal expenses. Cramer encourages viewers to buy Martha Stewart Living, because management is under felony indictment. Kudlow insists the current recession could have been avoided if only Congress had assisted poor people by passing the depreciation allowance on yachts over seventy-five feet. Cramer encourages viewers to buy American Carriage And Buggy Whip, because consumer infatuation with the automobile is just a passing fancy. The great news is that, if you consistently take Cramer’s advice about buying stocks, you will never have to share Kudlow’s concern about paying taxes.

 

THE

“IF GOVERNMENT IS SO GREAT,

THEN WHY AM I WEARING THIS ABSURD MOUSTACHE?”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

JOHN STOSSEL!

 “Regulating Elder Abuse In Nursing Homes

Just Encourages Old People To Become Tattletales”

 

Mr. Stossel was a crusading consumer reporter until he discovered the size of the speaking fees that Corporate America pays to those journalists are willing to say the right things, not to mention the far right things. Now, he rages against government regulation, environmental protection, health and safety laws, social programs to help the very old and very young, and anything else that the Chamber of Commerce deems to be offensive. On June 10, 2002, Stossel was honored with the coveted title of Whore Of All Media Whores, which led heartbroken runner-up David Brinkley to commit suicide the very next day.

 

THE

“TRUTH IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DO NOT STILL HAVE THEIR

MOTHER CUT THEIR HAIR BY TRIMMING AROUND A SALAD BOWL”

AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

KEN BURNS!

“Making The Civil War Just A Tad Too Civil”

 

On this, the thirteenth anniversary of the premiere of the award-winning “Civil War” series on PBS, we honor the producer for treating reality in exactly the same way that John Wilkes Booth treated Abraham Lincoln. In his effort to present a morally equivalent view of the “blacks are human beings” side and the “blacks are beasts of burden” side, Burns did a little rewriting of history. As a result, future generations of American kids will learn that Robert E. Lee was a glorious hero, despite the fact that Lee allowed General Nathan Bedford Forrest to slaughter black Union captives. This charming little tactic ended the prisoner exchange program, which led to the creation of Andersonville Prison, America’s only Nazi-style concentration camp. However, telling the truth – that Lee and his Confederates were despicable barbarians – would not have been good for national unity or (more importantly) for Burns’ popularity. So, America’s favorite documentarian did what all of our Phlegmy winners do so very well – he substituted self-interest for honor.

 

AND FINALLY…

 

THE

“MAMA CASS HAM SANDWICH”

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

 

And the winner is…

 

JAY LENO!

“Proving That It Is Indeed Possible

To Perform Stand-Up While Bending Over”

 

Following 9/11, Leno announced that he would refrain from making jokes about Bush “OUT OF CONCERN FOR NATIONAL SECURITY!” To quote the venerable philosopher (and professional wrassler) Booker T, “Tell me he didn’t say that. Someone please tell me he didn’t say that!" The comic wants us to think that he was not simply yielding to the mood of the moment - he sincerely believed that joking about Bush would directly lead to a terrorist takeover of the continental United States. Okay, let's take that explanation at face value: as we say at those meetings to control the world economy from behind the scenes, “Oy vay! That schmuck is meshuggah!” Of course, now that it is politically fashionable again, Jay is back to ever-so-gently nudging Bush. This approach has been the hallmark of the legendary Leno career: always carefully checking which direction the wind is blowing immediately prior to conforming to prevailing sentiment. But when the heat was on – during that “Lenny Bruce moment” that separates the comedians from the cowards – let us never forget that Mister Jay got down on his knees and choked like Ann Coulter at a convention of Ron Jeremy clones.

More David Podvin

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Last changed: December 13, 2009