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CROSSFIRE: No longer able to withstand a withering barrage of facts and logic, Robert Novak and Tucker Carlson fled the studio, desperately attempting to seek refuge in the Church of the Nativity. They were pursued and quickly surrounded by James Carville and Paul Begala, who continued the assault on the cowering conservative commentators by forcefully reciting Paul Krugman’s devastating analysis of the Bush budget sham. Stunned and dazed, Novak and Carlson begged the international community to rescue them, while President Bush implored Carville and Begala to immediately cease hostilities. At last report, however, the siege continued, with the whimpering Novak and Carlson helplessly coiled in the fetal position as Carville and Begala pummeled them into submission by reading aloud from the first chapter of Greg Palast’s book, “The Best Democracy Money Can Buy”.

THE O’REILLY FACTOR: Bill O’Reilly welcomed former drug czar William Bennett. Bennett said that he thought Bush was delivering a tour de force performance in the War Against Terrorism. O’Reilly replied that he had been raised in a working class home and could therefore identify with his blue collar viewers. Bennett countered that Bush was doing a fine job on the economy. O’Reilly, sensing an opening, said that he used to walk five miles to school, even in the snow. Bennett congratulated Bush on some really nifty recess appointments. O’Reilly recalled never receiving Christmas presents as a boy. Bennett stated that his love for Bush was more than just platonic. O’Reilly admitted that his family was so poor that he had to walk around naked until he was fourteen. Bennett admired Bush’s manly bulge. O’Reilly claimed to have been born in a dumpster.

ALAN KEYES IS MAKING SENSE: Alan Keyes welcomed a third trimester embryo. Keyes asserted that the lives of the unborn were just as precious as the lives of the women carrying them, and therefore abortion should always be illegal, even to save the life of the mother. The embryo told Keyes to grow up.

MEET THE PRESS: Tim Russert welcomed General Electric Chairman Jeffrey Immelt. Russert thanked Immelt for paying him $10 million a year. Immelt thanked Russert for sacrificing the truth in order to whorishly promote GE interests, and ordered him to conduct the rest of the interview while standing on his head. Russert commented on how handsome Immelt looks when viewed upside down. Immelt suggested that there would be a huge bonus for any GE employee who helped to make sure that Bush had eight years to dismantle environmental and worker safety regulations. Russert revealed that John Kerry is gay.

POLITICALLY INCORRECT: Bill Maher welcomed Ann Coulter, Sister Souljah, Al Sharpton, and Mike Tyson. Coulter said that the only reason Halle Berry and Denzel Washington won Oscars is because they are black  (Services for the leggy pundit have been scheduled at Forest Lawn Memorial Park). Tyson said that he doesn’t like the Republican Congressional leadership because he can’t abide men who sound effeminate. Souljah claimed that white people are evil, then amended that to only include white people whose favorite actor is Chuck Norris. Maher said that he believes Al Gore is a loser. Sharpton replied that Maher probably also believes that there is a Richard Simmons, Jr.

THIS WEEK: Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts welcomed Senate Minority Leader Trent Lott. Donaldson said Ted Kennedy insisted that the Democrats had rejected Judge Charles Pickering based on merit. Lott responded by saying, “Sam, that is as phony as the hair on our heads.”  Cokie said that military men make her steamy hot, and that she had once been intimate with Colonel Sanders. During the panel discussion, George Will claimed to have recently invented a new language called “Pompousass” that replaces all two syllable words with seven syllable words that mean exactly the same thing. He added that baseball is a metaphor for life, and that George W. Bush is Babe Ruth, while Al Gore is Mario Mendoza. George Stephanopoulos said he’d never heard of Mario Mendoza, but that if Senor Mendoza were willing to stab El Presidente Guillermo Clinton in the back for mucho dinero, then he could strongly identify with Mario.

FACE THE NATION: Bob Schieffer was scheduled to welcome former President George H.W. Bush, but Bush never showed up. In what made for truly compelling TV viewing, Schieffer didn’t notice and interviewed him anyway. Schieffer: “Welcome, former President Bush. You are looking better than ever – not a gray hair in sight. You must be very proud of the job your old friend Don Rumsfeld is doing. I see that you are moved beyond words. I know the feeling. I was just talking backstage with my old colleague Edward R. Murrow…”

FOX NEWS SUNDAY: Tony Snow welcomed NRA president Charlton (Chuck) Heston, who was toting a loaded AK-47 assault rifle. Snow plaintively asked Heston to stop twirling the gun in his direction. Heston laughed heartily, then did a Tarzan yell and screamed something about how carrying an automatic weapon could make even the most impotent man feel virile. During the panel discussion, Mara Liasson bitterly complained about having to sleep with Rupert Murdoch in order to keep her job. Brit Hume urged her to stop whining, saying that he had thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Juan Williams claimed that all black people except Clarence Thomas and himself are totally out of touch with reality, and disclosed that the Council On Foreign Relations is trying to learn the secrets of the universe by monitoring his thoughts.

LARRY KING LIVE: Larry King welcomed Senator Arlen Specter. King said that, as per his custom, he had not prepared for the interview, nor had he ever heard of Senator Specter. A caller asked Specter whether Bush had been behind a conspiracy to assassinate democracy during the Florida recount. Specter said no, and then introduced a concept that he called the “magic ballot theory”. According to Specter, Gore’s campaign had, in fact, been killed by a single ballot. The caller contended that the ballot had been cast by an anti-Castro Cuban national. Specter disagreed, adding that the forensic evidence indicated that it came from a polling place in a schoolbook depository.

FIRING LINE: William F. Buckley, Jr. spent the entire hour denying allegations that he has been dead since 1995.

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: Greta van Susteren welcomed chanteuse Cher and economist Lawrence Kudlow. Kudlow asserted that the solution to the Palestinian problem is to lower tax rates on the rich. Van Susteren commented that Cher looked great. Cher replied that was probably because she had seen a professional cosmetic surgeon, rather than getting blasted and using an acetylene torch to perform plastic surgery on herself. Van Susteren sobbed softly in shame. Kudlow suggested that the cure for her low self- esteem is the total elimination of the estate tax.

HARDBALL: Chris Matthews welcomed Senator Zell Miller and yenta Laura Ingraham. Matthews asked Miller what it was like to be a Democratic Senator these days. Miller said that he would have absolutely no way of knowing. Ingraham said that she thinks Tom Daschle is the Antichrist, and that he should be burned at the stake. Matthews reminded her not to let Al Gore off the hook on that Antichrist thing. Miller said that he enjoys dressing up as Carmen Miranda, but that he can’t afford to do it as much anymore because of the skyrocketing cost of bananas. Matthews complimented Ingraham on her outfit, but added that no one could pull off the low cut evening gown look quite like former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover. Ingraham looked crushed. Miller bragged that he was the inspiration for the prison warden in “Cool Hand Luke”. Ingraham said she likes movies that have happy endings, so she avoids watching flicks about World War II. Matthews compared Bush favorably to FDR. He then concluded the show by confiding to viewers that Dennis Rodman is his psychiatrist.

THE MCLAUGHLIN GROUP: John McLaughlin welcomed panelists Tony Blankley, Eleanor Clift, Patrick Buchanan, and Mortimer Zuckerman. McLaughlin said that, as a former Catholic priest, he wanted to emphasize that he was not a pedophile. At this point, Jerry Mathers and the actor who played Little Ricky ran onto the stage screaming, “You lying bastard!” and pummeled McLaughlin into unconsciousness. Blankley expressed skepticism when Clift repeatedly explained to him that Mount Rushmore is not a natural phenomenon. The playful Zuckerman made Buchanan wet his pants by claiming that Simon Wiesenthal was in the next room.

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Last changed: December 13, 2009