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Senate Defeats Arctic
Seething Bush Vows To “Kill Every Goddamn Caribou Anyway”
Washington Post National Political Correspondent
Thursday, April 18, 2002; 1:25 PM
Army helicopter airlifts
President George W. Bush, shaking with patriotic
rage, condemned the highly partisan Senate Democrats after they voted to weaken
America’s national security by defeating his bold plan to drill for oil in the
Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Showing the decisive leadership and moral
clarity that has endeared him to everyone who loves this country, the
president vowed to deter future such pro-terrorist actions, pledging to
“hit the environmental whackos where it hurts most: in the caribou, or
whatever the hell those reindeer things are called.”
Citing the extraordinary powers conferred upon him
to fight the War on Terrorism, Mr. Bush announced that he had ordered Army
attack helicopters to lasso and transport the endangered species to the Ronald
Reagan Arctic Ravine, then send them plunging onto the sharp rocks below.
“The first hundred feet down shouldn’t hurt at
all,” quipped the immensely popular and charismatic chief executive, his mood
lightening as he visualized the scene. “It’s the point of impact that’s
going to be a real bitch.”
“I think sending them hurtling to their deaths in
a ravine that Congress just named after Ronnie is kind of sweet,” said former
First Lady Nancy Reagan. “He would have really gotten a kick out of that.”
"It makes you wonder whether the drilling
proposal ever had anything to do with oil," said the ambitious Sen. John
Kerry from Massachusetts (which is far out of the national political
mainstream), "or if the president was just nostalgic to relive the
Karla Faye Tucker experience."
Environmental groups, who had gloated about their
win in the Senate, reacted with predictable hysteria after Bush skillfully
turned their triumph into a pyrrhic victory.
“Bush is insane,” whined Sierra Club Executive Director Carl Pope, exhibiting the
pomposity and self pity that makes so many normal Americans want to bludgeon
tree huggers with an ax. “This is outrageous! This is madness!!”
Please click here if you really believe that David Broder wrote this piece.